I Learned Something Today: Castlevania

Appearances can be deceiving, and that deception is especially potent when your survival hangs in the balance. Stay strong, stay focused, these are the lessons I learned from Castlevania.

The Lessons of Castlevania

  1. Don’t turn around, they’ll come back
  2. There’s meat in the walls
  3. Hearts may not do what you expect them to
  4. Lots of little bats will make a giant bat
Castlevania Deviant Art Orioto

What are you doing?! Don't turn back!

Don’t turn around, they’ll come back

I hate dealing with crowds of people as they always seem to be in the way of something I really want to experience. You have to push through though, sometimes physically, and it can get messy. Sometimes I drop my keys, cell phones, or lose my girlfriend to the crowd. Once you are past them though, you cannot go back. Otherwise you will have to endure them all over again. Just push forward and never look back, or you will be fighting the same enemies over and over again. Thanks, Castlevania.

There’s meat in the walls


Simon is hungry, too

Some days I wait entirely too long to decide what to have for dinner. It never fails, my indecision takes place over the course of hours until all of my energy is sapped and I cannot get up from the couch. Now, I know what I want, but I don’t have the energy to go anywhere to get it. The fridge is empty of course so what the hell am I supposed to do now? Then, in my hunger haze I notice that this load bearing wall seems to look a little odd. I take a sledgehammer and break it open to reveal… a freshly cooked turkey leg! Thanks, Castlevania.

Hearts may not do what you expect them to

Whenever I’m feeling a little beat up and looking for something to heal my wounds I’ve found that heart shaped objects are never the way to go. Tattoos hurt. Those valentine day candies suck. Chocolates end up making me crash. If you are badly wounded I suggest heading to the hospital (or finding another turkey leg). However, if you find yourself in traffic on the way to the hospital, the sugar rush from those candy hearts may be enough to help you throw a few more battle axes at the cars in your way. Thanks, Castlevania.

Lots of little bats will make a giant bat


I warned you

To some, the rat king is a myth but I’m a strong believer that all myths are based on some underlying truth. And if a rat king is possible, certainly their distant flying cousins have bat king potential. I haven’t witnessed this in real life (and refuse to travel to Austin, TX because of it) but don’t say I didn’t warn you when that colony merges together to form the biggest bat the world has ever seen. Tourist massacre waiting to happen, and I won’t be a part of it. At least, not without a whip in hand. Thanks, Castlevania.


Castlevania is not only one of the first great action/adventure games, but it is a historical tale of surivival. It is important to keep your wits about you when your life is on the line. Thanks, video games.

I Learned Something Today – Who says that video games can’t teach you life skills? Sure they may get you put in prison or banished from society, but they are skills nonetheless. We take an over-the-top look at some of the potential applications of what video games have taught us.


Giant Bomb (image)
Orioto at DeviantArt