I Learned Something Today: Portal

Though my life was constantly in danger, after successfully making it through all of GLaDOS’s trials, I can’t help but acknowledge a few nuggets of wisdom I picked up in my journey through Portal which I will now share with you.

The Lessons of Portal

  1. Take control of the cake.
  2. My legs need to be enhanced.
  3. I can make a death cake.
  4. Love can exist with inanimate objects.
  5. Portals are useful for those hard to itch places.


Take control of the cake

I learned something today. I’m sure we can all recall the tragic cake scene in Office Space where Milton, quite possibly the most socially awkward person ever, desperately tries and fails to get a piece of a co-worker’s birthday cake. This should act as a great reminder to us all that sometimes in life, things just are not always given to you. You worked your butt off and you completed all the trials! So where’s your cake!? Well guess what, kiddo? You don’t get any. GLaDOS never really lied to you, see. She was no doubt misleading though. Yes, in life, there will always be cake. It just won’t always be for you. But you don’t always have to be on the receiving end of that! Next company pitch in day, bring in a cake, pre-sliced, with the names of the coworkers you like on each piece, so the ones left out can also learn this wonderful lesson. Thanks, Portal.

My legs need to be enhanced

I learned something today. Okay, being able to fall through floors is awesome, but having a pair of those fall dampeners would be awesome too. It’s all great fun to jump 7 stories down into your portal on the floor, but what if you didn’t have those legs supports? I’d prefer not to learn the hard way. Plus, you are supposed to get a little more spring in your run! The cheetah prosthetic, popular among paraplegic runners, has been shown to enhance a runner’s ability beyond what human legs are capable of. Heck what do I need these fleshy calves for anyway? Less to shave! Thanks, Portal.

I can make a death cake

I learned something today. I have been searching for a new dessert recipe and what better place to learn how to bake than a video game?! I couldn’t help but notice that GLaDOS had a bit of a fish fetish, but I think it’s a good recipe all in all. Now, the only item I had trouble finding was cordless electric needle injector. I have an old corded one that my mom passed down to me, but I don’t think it will have the same impact as the cordless. Also, trying to find 12 geosynthetic membranes for under 6 dollars at the supermarket is a bit difficult, but I suppose that’s the economy for you. Mom would be so proud to know I finally learned how to make something other than instant mac and cheese. Thanks, Portal.


How could you not love this face?

Love can exist with inanimate objects

I learned something today. The companion cube has an irresistible charm that no one can deny. From the moment that cube dropped on the floor in front of me, I knew we were going to be best friends. Sure, I had interacted with other cubes before, but our time was brief. They’d occasionally hold a door open for me, but they would never call. But companion cube was different. We were going to go everywhere together. It didn’t have to say anything to me. One look at those pink hearts and I knew what we had was special. And then, that bitch tricked me into sending my weighted companion cube to a fiery grave. But I still have hope, that somewhere out there I will find you, my beloved weighted companion cube. I know you are still alive. Thanks, Portal.

Portals are useful for those hard to itch places

PortalI learned something today. Two portals and a closet means I don’t have to pay fifty bucks for a back massage anymore. I’ve always been told I give good back rubs, and now, I have proof. There’s other fun uses of the closet portals. Now you can reach that pimple in that impossible to reach spot between your shoulder blades. Give yourself that awesome lower back tattoo that you will never live to regret. Men, you can shave that hairy back for your lady. She’ll appreciate it. Ever wonder if you could kick your own ass? Well, now you can find out! The possibilities are endless. Thanks, Portal.


I managed to take away five practical lessons from Portal. It’s nice to finally be out of that orange jumpsuit, but it was all for science, which is great cause I hear that science thing is gonna be big someday. I’ve already bought a few shares. Thanks, video games.

I Learned Something Today – Who says that video games can’t teach you life skills? Sure they may get you put in prison or banished from society, but they are skills nonetheless. We take an over-the-top look at some of the potential applications of what video games have taught us.


Giant Bomb (images)