Gaming Cynic: The Only Way(s) to Make Gamers Happy


Gamers are some of the most oppressed consumers of entertainment in the entire world. They rarely get what they want and when they do, it’s usually watered down by the gaming industry’s insistence on trying to appeal to a mainstream market. As a gamer, I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to make every single one of us happy? Video games have been around for decades now so you’d think people would get it by now, but unfortunately they don’t. I, however, do get it and have put together some rules to help the floundering video game industry create games with substance, artistic appeal and lasting potential:

Things To Always Consider* When Making Video Games**

*By consider, I mean stick to 100%
**This is in list*** form because a large majority of people hate formal transitions between thoughts.
***This list doesn’t have numbers because numbers are for sell outs!!!!:(>

Games should cost $30 or less, unless of course you can’t afford that price. If that’s the case, they should be free. Qualifying what it means to be “unable to afford” these games shouldn’t be restricted by guidelines (that’s what “the man” would like to do), but by what gamers are feeling at that particular point in time. Also, DLC should be free regardless because it’s already on the disc anyway.

Games should by completely original, featuring unique mechanics, characters and perspectives. If there is so much as a hint of a title being a derivative, production should stop immediately. Here are some examples of games that will no longer be allowed:

  • MMORPGs with a fantasy setting
  • FPS shooters that feature a modern military setting
  • Zombie games
  • Jump scare games
  • Match three style puzzle games
  • Any games that feature space marines fighting bug-like entities
  • Games that require players to collect tiny animals and force them to battle one another
  • Rhythm games
  • Racing games

NO MORE SEQUELS! Story lines should be wrapped up in a single game because everyone knows that publishers force dev teams to artificially expand plots in order to make more money. With that in mind, developers are allowed to make sequels for the following franchises:

  • Pokemon


NO MORE MAKING MONEY! Games are art (unless they’re not) and making money off of art is akin to kidnapping children and then blinding those children. Also, the children are orphans.

Reviews should be more transparent and accurate. We know that gaming websites only give 10’s to games they get paid to review and low scores (anything below a 9) to games as a means of attracting people to their sites. When either of these things happen, they should tell their audience in the first line of the review, directly apologize to every gamers that is insulted by their actions, and then take down the review and replace it with a review that comes from the heart.

Games aren’t art, they’re supposed to be fun! Stop trying to compete with the movie industry and give us something to do outside of watching cutscenes and participating in quick time events.

Games are art, they’re supposed to be meaningful! Stop watering down the potential of a game just so that meat-head jocks (who only started playing video games when they became popular) don’t have to strain their tiny brains too hard.

No more easy games. If 99% of the players of a game can beat the game, it’s too easy. We need something to brag about on forums and to our pet boa constrictors (that all of us have).

Female characters should be strong, fully developed and featured more prominently in the story lines of games. Unless of course this happens merely because some crazy feminist is pushing her weight around. If that’s the case, the aforementioned characters should be re-imagined without any involvement from anyone, man or woman, that could possibly be a feminist. Because we’re pretty sure that’s the only reason women are featured in games so we’re going to go ahead and just assume it’s all about politics regardless.

No more fetch quests or other rudimentary tasks for our heroes. Everything they do should be of the completely integral to the universe they exist in. We’d still like to be able to do mindless tasks such as collecting flowers, chopping wood and hunting animals, but we want to do it because we want to do it, not because some NPC asks us to.

Unlimited choices. We want… no… need unlimited choices in every aspect of a game, not just morality. If we want to play a fantasy game like a brawler, you should feature the ability to do that. If we want to travel forward/backward in time to a period of history we prefer, we should have that opportunity. If we want to be able to strip the clothes off of our avatars without being seen as perverts or sexual deviants, we should be able to do so.

Seems simple enough? Get on it, you white-collar criminals that we call the game industry!

Gaming Cynic – I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. My usually jovial self will be taking a mental health day. Instead, I’ll be looking at everything in my life through a half empty glass. I’ll get over it, but my pissy mood wants to burn some bridges first.