Memorial Day is a perfect time to remember things past. When a long weekend is mostly rained out, it’s also the perfect time to remember how much I enjoy Guild Wars 2. “Horrible Night homeboy” Verdian threw some hot tips my way about a special back item that resembled what we in the know might consider a “tentaclesuit” and the excitement that filled my eyes was as bright as a firefly’s buttpiece. What followed was a journey of wonder, horror, emptiness and satisfaction. This is my Asuran thief’s story (Law and Order “boop boop” noise).
To clarify, I first learned of the majestic tentaclesuit item on the Tuesday night before the long weekend. My mind immediately began to race with what exactly I should do once I reached Southsun Cove, knowing I’d simply have to get back into the groove of even playing G-Wars, let alone gallivanting around a zone designed for level 80 players. Under-leveled players are scaled to 80, but wearing level 20 pants and not having all your skills really makes you a flimsy punk on a dangerous island. My goal was to complete 25 achievements to unlock the tentaclesuit and, with the help of a guide, I figured I had the knowledge necessary to proceed when the time came. Bring it, Southsun.
A reef rider proceeded to almost kill me.
The Mission For Real
Rethinking my approach, I decided to go after more reasonable achievements like go diving without armor and talk to people. Achievements were unlocking left and right and I was feeling pretty good. I had about half of them at this point and if I could strut in-game, I’d have been typing in that emote while sipping a milkshake. It was around this time that my tasks got a little more daunting.
Around a dozen achievements required me to find plant samples for a researcher, but that’s where the guide came in. The number of active players helped to mitigate the enemies around me and I bee-lined it from spot to spot. I sided with the factions on the island and completed five events a piece. I played a sporting game of Crab Toss. So close, my tentaclesuit was soooo close! Along the way, I realized I couldn’t complete the achievement for eating an omelette because it was for level 75s and up. I couldn’t eat a damn omelette. I needed one more achievement.
I surveyed my options on what was now Saturday night. I could either grind my way through a ton more games of Crab Toss for one of its other achievements, or I could get that final elusive plant sample. The thing about that sample, I sadly realized, was that it was in an area that was tricky to reach at the end of one of the game’s infamous and lengthy jumping puzzles. I gave it a freshman try. Then I gave it a sophomore, junior, senior and can’t-seem-to-graduate try. Looks like I’m playing Crab Toss. It’s getting late and dealing with pubbies all trying to get their own Crab cheevos was trying my patience. The thought of returning to that jumping puzzle made me nauseous.
I made it pretty far once and was on the edge of my chair, sweat in my pits and my breathing irregular. I accidentally tapped to the right twice too fast, causing my precious Asura to eagerly sideflip her big beautiful head into the waters below. I could feel my heart breaking and my brain overdosing on all the Zoloft it could find. I made the decision to try again, hoping for a bit of that poor man’s luck after disabling the ability to dodge like that. I had fallen so many times, my fingertips were numb and my mouth dry from sighing and cursing. Everyone in the house is asleep but me, staring intently into my laptop’s screen as I make it back to where I had stupidly fallen hours ago. Not this time, baby! I make it to the chest at the end of the puzzle and throw that sucker open. I want to pop open champagne and just get wasted, but that chest wasn’t even my goal. I still had to platform a little farther to the sample.
The part where I looked at a fountain in slow motion and smiled
A few careful jumps later and my lungs begging me to just breathe, I’m on top of the island that houses the sample and I realize I have no clue how exactly to get there. Also, there are enemies all up on that bastard. So I’m panicking and looking up any kind of tip I can find on my iPhone. I didn’t come that far just to fail. So just as I find a tip that’s basically just the general area, a reef rider, probably in cahoots with the one from earlier, begins its assault on my backside. I healed and launch myself down to a lower level of the island, so nauseous again that my saving move might have sealed my fate on getting the achievement. However, G-Wars finally had my back that night and it was right within my reach after turning a corner.
I’ve hardly ever worked so hard for something in a video game in my life. I teleported to the first waypoint, warped through a gate, zipped to the bank and deposited that tentaclesuit so fast. Now I just need to get to level 80 to actually sport it. Middle fingers up to the designers of jumping puzzles, I slept like a boss.
Dead Ahead – Zombies, despite the decay and smell, aren’t truly old yet in this endless driving game about splatting and shooting the undead. Upgrades, different levels and some pretty cool sprite graphics make it feel like a diamond in the mobile rough.
As always, I’ll be keeping my ears open to the world of gaming and you should too.
Radio Waves is a segment where Aaron aka BGRadio takes some time out of his video gaming schedule to reveal his latest game fix, favorite gaming story and mention a taste of what’s over the game horizon in general. It can be whatever you want it to be, except that it’s actually about what I want it to be. That cool? So put on your robe and your favorite fuzzy slippers, let’s chill and talk about what’s currently on the weekly radio.
Giant Bomb (images)