After a delightful dinner of Mexican food, I was greeted with as message from JDevL. The message contained a link, which led me to a website that contained a game that I subsequently downloaded without question. Whether or not this was a misguided venture would soon become obvious very quickly. I soon discovered that my Thursday night project was not going to involve slaying dragons or platforming up castles that lead to heaven. No, my project involved cleansing cartoon private parts of STDs in the subtly titled Privates.
The Horrible Night crew has discussed this game a couple times over the last few months, but lack of seniority placed me in the coveted position of actually delving into the “interesting” venture by Zombie Cow Studios. In Privates,you and a team of rookie recruits are tasked with partaking in special operations in the special regions of some nameless individual whose sexual exploits have resulted in a multitude of different infections, organisms and a floating doll that I believe turned out to be chlamydia.
Its standard shooter fare from a side scrolling perspective, but in this game you’re joined by an awkward bunch of rookies who bumble through each level, quipping about their surroundings with dry humor and British accents. There aren’t any power-ups, but you start off with the ability to rotate between four different weapons, each able to destroy a specific type of “enemy” in the game.
A Majora Stretch
Speaking of the enemies, if you haven’t guessed it yet, your main set of adversaries are all manner of nasty creatures, rashes and disease that find their base of operations in the bad touch zone. They’ve been exaggerated a bit and range from blobs of herpes to the above mentioned toy like representation of the cancer causing chlamydia. This lack of scientific accuracy helps keep the game varied as the real life counter parts may not be quite as delightful to shoot at.
Where the visuals may not be accurate, the knowledeg behind the game is. During the course of playing, you’ll be able to scan every new enemy you encounter, which pulls up an informative screen illustrating certain facts about the real life STD. This theme makes me think that the game had an agenda, whether it was aimed at school age kids or the creators assume all gamers have dangerous sexual habits remains unknown.
The game is free, which is good because it isn’t very fun and the environments are pretty boring. The shock value of the very first stage involving a march up the sides of a vagina quickly loses its edge as you navigate your way through similar environments representing the different sexual organs. From the level design, the people afflicted have more issues that just STDs as their anotomy seems mutated. Its obvious this was done to fit into the scheme of your objectives, but it still made my mind wander to distant and very disgusting places. If babies had to navigate through the orifices seen in Privates, our population would be much smaller.
The humor is the main draw to the game, and it doesn’t disappoint as long as you’re a fan of the dry British variety. Your little squad continually spouts one liners, my favorite being “My what an unkempt vagina” upon entering the fleshy crevice of some loose girl. Your character isn’t quite as funny, but the grizzled veteran role is a funny juxtaposition to the confines of weiners, hoo-hahs and brown eyed poop factories.
I didn’t finish the game mainly because it lost its appeal very quickly and the humor wasn’t enough to keep my attention. Download it as a novelty but if you anticipated this title, you might be a bit disappointed and you’re also very creepy.
Here’s the free PC download link for those that are curious: Privates
Giant Bomb (images)