Video Game MD: Twisted Metal Could Prevent a Car Battle Apocalypse

Coulrophobia? This probably doesn't help.

With an hour long commute to work everyday, I’ve often fantasized about unleashing a barrage of missiles on the next jackass to cut me off . Unfortunately, missiles are expensive and the law has a problem with such antics. Besides, I wouldn’t fare well in jail…there aren’t enough body bags for the other inmates.

For those of us that desire freedom, we must find ways to either manipulate our feelings or transfer them on to something else.  I’ve done my best to imagine the a**hole drivers are just having a rough day and I should sympathize with them, but it doesn’t tend to help that much. At the end of the day, I still want to melt their faces with laser beams.

Fortunately for me, there are video games dedicated to just that. Sure they aren’t practical or remotely realistic, but they help alleviate the twinge of vengeance that keeps me up at night, shaking my fist at a world that isn’t strict enough on driver’s tests.

Why I oughta.....

Its been about 3 years since Twisted Metal (the undisputed king of digitized car themed combat) has shown its chaotic face and in that time I’ve done my best to stifle urges to attach machine guns to the hood of my car.  I did roll up a piece of  paper and hold it tightly in a clenched fist, ready to toss it at some jerk driving recklessly in an SUV, but when it came time to fire I couldn’t pull the trigger. I did flip him off though, but he was driving pretty fast so I doubt he saw it.

Paranoia or Preparedness?

My biggest fear is that the will power I so cherish is not universally owned. Planet Earth is in a state of flux. Tensions are high and people are getting desperate. In a poll that I created and administered to two of my friends (who where mildly intoxicated), it was determined that the world could be looking at a “pretty sweet” yet devastating outbreak of vehicle battles spreading from coast to coast. The poll also revealed that “pizza is awesome” and “d***s are for chicks”.

I don’t want to preach on behalf of my fellow citizens as I’m sure there are plenty of you that would welcome such events. I ‘m not on that list for a variety of reasons, the most obvious  being I drive a KIA Spectra. Sure I get great gas mileage, but the tasteful paint job and smart design don’t translate well to the battlefield. I’m sure I could roll down the window and shoot at people with a bow and arrow, but unless someone is dumb enough to fight in a convertible or moped, I’m screwed.

Fuel efficiency? Check. Combat ready?Umm..did I mention the fuel efficiency?

I suppose its presumptuous of me to assume that once the car battling began, everyone would have to join in but be honest with yourself; it’s fucking car battles. The world has been waiting for an excuse to retrofit their vehicles with crazy crap since cars were invented. All the pacifists out there will get swept up in a hurricane of bloodshed within a few hours,  so you might as well take those lemons and make lemonade. You can always choose to only battle bad guys, but just remember that when it comes to car battling, the line between good and evil gets quite thin and very grey.

I could always steal a badass truck and go from there, but my conscience would eat away at me to the point I’d stop car battling and go into good deed over drive. There aren’t a ton of rules associated with car battling, but its pretty obvious that “you stop, you die” is a given.

Economic Strife

I can’t imagine this scenario would help the state of the world’s economy either. People already spend a bunch of money they don’t have on stuff they don’t really need. What do you suppose its going to be like when they are forced to acquire items that spell the difference between life and death? I take a very conservative approach to my financial management, but  my fiscal responsibility is an exception to the rule. People will be foreclosing on houses and going into bankruptcy just so they can upgrade their rocket launchers from shooting one rocket to shooting four (which is going to be as important as a 401K in this theorized future).

That is precisely why we have video games such as Twisted Metal, to help relieve our primitive urges to attack others from the comforts of automobiles. Every time a dude gets his panties in a bunch over a lane change or some tailgating, the electronic version of his desires may be enough to quench his thirst for blood. If it’s not, then it may just buy people enough time to call the authorities when his Buick Lasalle suddenly sprouts spiked tires and a barbwire covered bumper.

I hope that the world can stave off the need for gasoline fueled retribution until 2011. The newest Twisted Metal will be out that year, and from the looks of it, your frustrations will be relieved.

Video Game MD – Scenarios occur in people’s lives every day that they can not control but would love to alter. Can video games satiate these primal desires? We offer the best prescription alternative to taking real life matters into your own hands.


Shacknews (images)
Auto Spectator (images)
Cicle (images)