I Learned Something Today: The Secret of Monkey Island

Being the best is an admirable goal. No matter which arena you choose to compete in, it isn’t as easy as just putting in sweat and tears. That hard work will only get you so far and it gets pretty crowded up at the top. If you aren’t completely confident in your abilities you can gain your advantage from the lessons of The Secret of Monkey Island.

The Secret of Monkey Island

The Lessons of The Secret of Monkey Island

  1. There are no words for how lame you are
  2. Make her want something by taking it away
  3. There’s always a stronger drink
  4. Root beer will save you in the end

There are no words for how lame you are

I learned something today. All of the training in the world will just make you as good as every other professional out there, no matter what you do. What separates all of us in competition is our wit. You have to catch your opponents off guard with insults to gain the advantage. That’s right, good old-fashioned trash talking. Get into their heads. However, just being offensive or making it too personal won’t work these days as that can encourage anger and self-righteousness as fuel for a counterattack. Hit your foe with a few generic softball insults that could apply to just about anyone and he is sure to be confused enough to let his guard down. Even if it isn’t true, comment on his bad breath, his lack of intelligence or how his general appearance makes you queasy. He will be so thrown off by how lame you are that he will be too confused to offer a proper response and lose any advantage he had. However, keep it grounded in reality a bit, that three-headed monkey joke doesn’t fool anyone. Thanks, The Secret of Monkey Island.

Governor Marley

Sure, she's ticked off now, but now she knows who you are.

Make her want something by taking it away

I learned something today. It is hard to get the attention of the woman who has everything. A woman with wealth and power is sure to have plenty of suitors falling at her feet. That doesn’t mean you don’t stand a chance, you just have to find a way to be memorable. Be resourceful and find out more about her. Where she lives, what is important to her, that kind of thing. All that you have to do then is take those very things away from her and then, presto, instant conversation starter. Steal her priceless artifact, kill/drug her dogs, ruin her paintings. Hell, once she associates you with that traumatic event in her life there is no forgetting you. You won’t even have to put full sentences together. You’re in. Thanks, The Secret of Monkey Island.

There’s always a stronger drink

I learned something today. Drinking competitions may not be the most sophisticated of challenges, but that doesn’t mean failing at them is any less shameful. If you want to know how you stack up, answer this one question: “Have all of your drinking competitions involved beverages that can be safely contained in common glassware?” If so, there is a whole other level of drinks that you aren’t ready for. Whether the drink is made out in the middle of nowhere or it is from some remote island, there are people in this world that are capable of drinking liquids that were more intended more for sterilization of heavy machinery than they were for human consumption. I’ve seen a grog so potent that it not only melted its glass mug, but it was used in a prison escape to melt the iron locks. The men who drank that grog drank it like common watered down beer. I can’t imagine what they drink for shots. Either way, your liver is going to need to grow some balls. Thanks, The Secret of Monkey Island.


That guy on the chandelier knows a thing or two about drinking.

Root beer will save you in the end

I learned something today. Ultimately, if you are truly worth a damn, you are going to warrant the attention of some bad people, the worst of whom aren’t even alive. Ghosts are going to want you dead. First of all, when this happens, I want you to know that you have truly made it. Congratulations, but don’t get cocky because you can’t best a supernatural being through any means that have gotten you to this point. The only way you are going to kill this thing is to get your hands on some root beer. Think about it, why else would that drink even exist? What flavor purpose does it really serve? Just rest assured that this sugary soda will send even the most heinous of ghouls away from this plane of existence. Don’t get it confused with the grog though, as that’s more likely to kill you instead. Thanks, The Secret of Monkey Island.


Some people harp on the importance of “how you play” when all that really matters and all that anyone remembers is who won. When you are up against a great opponent, it isn’t going to be skill or determination that separates you. It’s a matter of taking advantage in any way that presents itself so that you can come out on top. Thanks, video games.

I Learned Something Today – Who says that video games can’t teach you life skills? Sure they may get you put in prison or banished from society, but they are skills nonetheless. We take an over-the-top look at some of the potential applications of what video games have taught us.


Giant Bomb (images)