I Learned Something Today: Dungeons of Dredmor (Gaming Cynic Edition)

If you’re reading this congratulations, you’ve lived to see another day. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but don’t take for granted for a moment that the cold hands of death could be at your throat at anytime. The world is freaking dangerous and for every good thing that happens, there are a million other horrible things that will contribute to your demise. Oh sorry, did I just sour the usually positive and enlightening tone of ILST? Sue me as the Gaming Cynic (see below) has invaded your precious educational series. I was hoping to teach you all some valuable lessons about surviving in a dungeon, but after playing Dungeons of Dredmor and dying a million times, I realized it’s all just a waste of time. We’re screwed and I was so excited about life but now, I’m so…so… scared.

Gaming Cynic – I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. My usually jovial self will be taking a mental health day. Instead, I’ll be looking at everything in my life through a half empty glass. I’ll get over it, but my pissy mood wants to burn some bridges first.

Dungeons of Dredmor

The Lessons of Dungeons of Dredmor

  1. Just because it’s cute doesn’t mean it won’t kill you
  2. Things that should help you can just as easily kill you
  3. Having a ton of skills won’t prevent things from killing you
  4. In the end, anything and everything will kill you

Just because it’s cute doesn’t mean it won’t kill you

Dungeons of Dredmor Diggles

Sure, they may look cute but even things called Diggles will murder your face off.

I learned something today. Remember when animals could be cute and innocent? Kitties purred and nuzzled into your lap while puppies stayed playful but loyal. Even wild animals like deer had an aura around them that seemed to say “Look how gorgeous I am, I’d never hurt you”. Well guess what? It’s all lies! Kittens can give you cat scratch fever, sometimes dogs go nutty and deer, well deer have some kind of vendetta against humans and either hoove people to death or kamikaze their cars. I even saw a video about a whale, man’s supposed fourth best friend (behind dogs, horses and dolphins) try to drown some lady. What kind of world do we live in where animals that look kind and potentially helpful are the complete opposite? If you see a friendly looking beaver come your way, you better smash it with a rock. And if a man-sized potato happens to stroll into your home, don’t fantasize about tricking him into eating french fries, get yourself out of there! Thanks, Dungeons of Dredmor.

Things that should help you can just as easily kill you

I learned something today. We put way too much faith in medical science and whatever science results in the creation of rejuvenating potions and elixirs. Have you seen the side effects for most of those things? Holy crap it’s bugging me out! Headaches and menstrual cramping are one thing, but life draining poisoning or full body explosions are just not worth the risk. Stuff in little orange bottles or red vials should help you, not randomly lower your stats or decrease your ability to navigate mazes. Might as well just take our chances with whatever the vegans do to cure their problems (as long as it doesn’t mean cutting out meat products). Thanks, Dungeons of Dredmor.

Having a ton of skills won’t prevent things from killing you

I learned something today. We’re led to believe that having a mastery of certain skill sets will help us thrive, but the truth of the matter is that you don’t have enough time to learn all the skills needed to actually prolong your life. Some maybe you’re a really awesome ninja. That’s all good and well until you contract some horrible illness. A medical degree may help you stave of sickness, but what happens if you find yourself in need of wilderness survival training? Heck, you could master all of those kills but none of it would save you from a run in with an air based alien invasion. Open your eyes, for every rock there’s a piece of paper. Thanks, Dungeons of Dredmor.

Dungeons of Dredmor Skills

Skills! Prolonging the inevitable since 5,000,000 B.C.

In the end, anything and everything will kill you

I learned something today. WHY DO WE EVEN LEAVE OUR HOMES?! The possibility of random dangerous events is entirely too possible. Friends can turn into mutants, pizzas into bombs and a fun little trips to the lake could end before they even begin if you didn’t realize there was a recall on your anti-lock breaks. I wanted to make a list of all the things that could kill you but I realized that such a list would include EVERYTHING! It’s too much, it’s all just too much. Thanks, Dungeons of Dredmor.

Conclusion

I’m sorry. I got ahead of myself I just love you all so much and can’t stand the thought of all the bad things waiting to steal your life. Life may be an adventure, but it’s an unpredictable one, most likely filled with spike pits and stone golems that love to mash people’s faces in. Call your friends and family and tell them how you feel, our days are not guaranteed. I hope you learned something today because I sure did…thanks, video games.

I Learned Something Today – Who says that video games can’t teach you life skills? Sure they may get you put in prison or banished from society, but they are skills nonetheless. We take an over-the-top look at some of the potential applications of what video games have taught us.

Sources

Giant Bomb (images)