I Learned Something Today Too: Banjo-Kazooie – For a Better World

Sometimes I forget to eat and get really hungry. This usually leads to anger and confusion which happen to be the catalysts from ranting and raving the likes of which have never before been seen on an episode of “I Learned Something Today. “ I’m ticked off and it has quite a bit to do with the aforementioned emptiness of my belly and aspects of the Nintendo 64 game Banjo-Kazooie.

Banjo-Kazooie Box Art

The Lessons of Banjo-Kazooie

  1. Bears and birds need to be better friends
  2. There is at least one decent shaman with a skull mask
  3. Everyone should have a mechanical shark themed garbage disposal
  4. Witches are bitches

Bears and birds need to be better friends

Best Friends

The best kind of best friends

I learned something today. Banjo and Kazooie’s friendship is undeniably cemented in “Top Ten Gaming Friendships of all Time.“ Anyone that thinks differently hates both freedom and that glow that pregnant women have. They have very little in common besides always smiling, yet they joined forces to combat a great evil, for the benefit of the greater good. Banjo jumped around and punched stuff, Kazooie shot eggs and flew. To see the two in action is not unlike the flow of veteran dancers or dare I say, a well-oiled machine? Real life bears and birds act like total jerk-offs around each other, not considering at all the potential for a partnership that could benefit each species both personally and professionally. If I was a member of Congress, I’d force my fellow politicians to create legislature to purchase a bunch of Nintendo 64’s for use in the commingling of bears and birds, both in zoos and in the wild. Thanks, Banjo-Kazooie.

There is at least one decent shaman with a skull mask

I learned something today. We preach equal rights in this country, yet continuously commit hypocritical acts of bias when it comes to the appearance of others. Even though the commonly accepted opinion of shamans with skull masks is that they’re evil, we need to realize that such a view is completely inaccurate and just as bad as assuming all white people smell and/or taste like bologna. Not everybody with baggy jeans is a gang member, so why is every shaman with a skull mask bad? This shaman profiling can not continue or else the everyday man will eventually lose access to the shape shifting services that such an individual has to offer. Thanks, Banjo-Kazooie.

Everyone should have a mechanical shark themed garbage disposal

Shark Disposal

Give me all of your orange rinds!

I learned something today. My garbage disposal is always breaking and/or clogging up. Whether the result of low quality manufacturing or my wife pouring coffee grounds into it, it’s absolutely infuriating. This would not be an issue should that garbage disposal be a mechanical shark. Mechanical sharks can chew through anything and never break down, no matter what sort of a day they have. I realize that garbage disposal repair men may be out of work, but the benefits to the economy completely outweigh the job losses that could result. With the money people saved from constant garbage disposal repair, they could pay those repairmen to pursue their dreams of being astronauts or private detectives. Win win. Thanks, Banjo-Kazooie.

Witches are bitches

Banjo Kazooie Witch

Ewww, everyone is prettier than this hag

I learned something today. I don’t care what Charmed or Practical Magic may try to convince us of, witches are always bad news. This may seem a bit hypocritical considering my views on shamans, but witches have never done anything good for humanity except contribute to the source material for The Scarlet Letter and a million fairy tales. All they care about is being prettier than everyone else, and when they aren’t they eradicate the competition. That’d be like Yahoo tricking Google into eating a sleep inducing apple instead of working on finding ways to stay relevant and/or improve their services past the bar that Google set. I thought this was America?! Witches also use animal parts to make spells, which should get PETA’s attention (yet hasn’t for some reason). To conclude, witches rhymes with bitches, which is far from a coincidence. Thanks, Banjo-Kazooie.

Conclusion

I just ate a sandwich and some chips and feel much better now, but looking back I realize that the issues I presented still burn in my heart. What some may see as a cluster of unrelated annoyances are actually the threads of a tightly woven quilt of apocalyptic contribution. If we don’t change our tune, and see the common themes in our mistakes, the world might explode. Thanks, video games.

I Learned Something Today – Who says that video games can’t teach you life skills? Sure they may get you put in prison or banished from society, but they are skills nonetheless. We take an over-the-top look at some of the potential applications of what video games have taught us.

Sources

Giant Bomb (images)