There was a time, not too long ago, when the evil forces of the vile Red Falcon had yet to take over. Bill Rizer and Lance Bean had yet to take on much more itimidating names, and this author had yet to discover alcohol. Oh, how the times have changed. But now that my friends are known as Mad Dog and Scorpion and I am hammered, I’m ready to take on the alien invasion thanks to the lessons I learned from Contra.
The Lessons of Contra
- Badasses don’t use codes
- The spreader the better
- If you die, steal a life.
Badasses don’t use codes
I learned something today. Up Up Down Down B-A…D-A-S-S-E-S don’t need to mess around with something as trivial as more lives than what they’re given. You know how many lives you get in the real world, son? ONE. But thanks to advanced mercenary technology, the ability to survive the onslaught of conquering alien hostiles is made a bit easier with a few button presses. I never mess around with sissy little button presses. All I need is a few drops of some liquid courage and I’m ready. Hell, with my blue (or sometimes red, depending on my mood that day) pants on, I already get 3 lives as it is. To hell with 30. That just makes you a pussy. If you can’t defeat the vile Red Falcon without the advanced mercenary technology, you have no business joining the fight in the first place. Thanks, Contra. No wait. Screw that. Thanks, me and my awesome pants. I’ll save the world. You go play with your regenerating health scam.
The spreader the better
I learned something today. There are three things in this world that are better when spreadable. Butter, a woman’s legs, and this awesome new gun I just shot out of the air. Imagine being able to hit 5 targets with one shot. “Yeah, I can imagine that. It’s called a shotgun, jackass.” Well how about you stand 100 yards from me and you can point the shotgun in my direction and see if one of those tiny little pellets even reaches me. And I’ll shoot you with my spread gun and you’ll die. Does that sound like a plan? Because you’re about to get that shot gun shoved straight up your ass if you don’t stop that mouth from spewing sarcastic bullshit. Spread guns are better than shotguns. Hell, that gun is better than any other gun period. Thanks, Contra.
If you die, steal a life
I learned something today. I’m not immune to dying. When I’m out in the jungle killing aliens left and right, sometimes a stray bullet will get me. Sometimes a hiding little pussy will launch a grenade at me from behind a snowbank. These things happen. Yet, sometimes my ghost is so damn excited to get back into the action that I can hook myself into my partner’s technologically advanced pants, and steal one of his lives. It’s not necessarily an honorable thing to do, but sometimes it is definitely necessary. If you want to be a good partner you’ll let your bro know. If you want to be a complete dick about it, just do it when it suits your fancy. Did I really just say fancy? I must be dead. Time to go steal that bastard’s last life. Thanks, Contra.
It’s 9 in the morning and I might be a little intoxicated. What time it is or how drunk I am matters little when it comes to saving the world from alien invasion. If you think aliens are going to come to this world and become our friends, you might be the one with the drinking problem. I’m going to call Mad Dog and Scorpion and we’re going to kick some alien ass. Just after I finish this six pack. Thanks, video games.
I Learned Something Today – Who says that video games can’t teach you life skills? Sure they may get you put in prison or banished from society, but they are skills nonetheless. We take an over-the-top look at some of the potential applications of what video games have taught us.
Giant Bomb (images)