For over 25 years, the gaming community has been living a lie. Not unlike your favorite politician twisting his morally corrupt behavior to make it appear beneficial to the masses, Nintendo’s long time mascot and a hero for many may in fact be quite the opposite. As a journalist and amateur private detective, it is my duty to bring to light truths that have been covered up for many years regardless of the risk to myself or the disappointment to those around me. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but what you thought you knew about the events of Super Mario Bros may in fact be a cleverly orchestrated cover up.
Super Mario Bros will be one of the featured games in the Mario Madness tournament at Horrible Night Out on July 8th.
The Rightful Ruler?
When Mario first burst unto the scene, his heroism was demonstrated by his willingness to explore a dangerous world and rescue a princess he hardly knew. To validate helping Mr. Mario on his journey, we as gamers assumed that Princess Toadstool was in fact the rightful ruler and that Bowser needed to usurp in order for justice to prevail. However, these assumptions drove the events of multiple scenarios during and after the initial situation in the Mushroom Kingdom, and, looking back, there’s not a whole lot of evidence to support the Princess’s claims. It seems a bit odd that a human woman is the rightful ruler of a magical world full of mushroom people and other strange creatures, as she’s clearly the out of place in this situation. Are we to assume that turtles and piranha plants don’t have the same rights that we take for granted on a daily basis, simply because they look different? It’s hard to imagine that an outsider was ruled into power when there were other lifeforms that voters could relate to a bit easier, unless, of course, that outsider took the throne by force. Sure, Bowser looked scary, but claiming that Princess being a pretty white woman makes her a better ruler is just as ignorant and slightly racist.
Let’s take a moment and replace the word “captured” with the word “sentenced” and let the implications of the two sink in. Perhaps this was not a case of kidnapping, but imprisonment. It’s entirely possible that Toadstool’s peers had fairly sentenced her for an atrocity committed before we came on the scene. Maybe she was overthrown after attempting the genocide of the Goombas (reasoning for their disgruntled appearance and quick temper) or when her tendency to fill the landscape with bottomless pits began to get out of hand. On the surface, she seems quite innocent, but very few convicts are going to show outward signs of their guilt should they feel there is any chance that someone could come along, hear their tall tale, and help them escape.
An unlikely “accident”
One could argue that in this case, Mario was an unwitting ally to the Princess and had nothing but good intentions along his quest, but evidence points to the contrary. It’s just a bit too convenient that his appearance coincided with the political turmoil mentioned above. Aside from the fact that most of the pipes that Mario would be working with (unless he’s an industrial plumber) in the real world would not allow anything larger than 2 inches wide to pass through (let alone enter into a different dimension). He just seemed too calm for being a guy that just had a once in a lifetime event occur. Most plumbers aren’t trained for inter-dimensional travel either, yet he stayed cool as a cucumber, a sure sign of previous reconnaissance, which, in and of itself, is a sign of previous military training. Seeing as no countries officially recognized the Mushroom Kingdom operation, he was clearly a mercenary hired to assist with retaking the recently liberated world. This fact is further supported by the ease at which he obtained information from Toad and other mushroom-capped individuals. If Mario had, in fact, been some random plumber, I can’t imagine that those concerned with the safety of their princess would willingly divulge her approximate whereabouts, no matter what a stranger promised.
People may attack my attempts at labeling Mario a mercenary for the very fact that mercenaries work for money and there was no exchange of money between the Mushroom Kingdom occupiers and Mario himself. Fund transfers did occur but were inconspicuous (as they should be in a covert operation). Drops were prearranged at specific locations throughout Mario’s travel (hence the coin boxes that were hidden throughout each stage). This was more than likely at Mario’s request to cover up his direct involvement and maintain his cover as a lost plumber. Regardless of whether Mario believed in the princess’s cause or not is a moot point; cash for chaos and killing points a finger at a figure that’s not quite as squeaky clean as previously thought.
A trail of death and some blood stained overalls
With all the different kinds of religion, political affiliations, etc in the world, conflict can be gray so it’s difficult for outsiders to determine who is right or wrong in any given situation. It’s true that there is quite a bit of unknown involved with the Mushroom Kingdom scenario, so surmises have to be strong as they replace cold hard fact in certain situations. I’ve always felt that to determine the lesser of two evils between warring nations, you have to take stock of the innocent bystanders caught in the crossfire or purposely disposed of by a group as reasoning for their evil. One only has to look at the systematic elimination of numerous citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom at the hands of Mario (with the support of Princess Toadstool) to really get a good picture what was happening. Again, Bowser looked scary, but there was not a single instance of violence committed by him against another individual other than Mario, and in that case he can easily claim self defense. While people may say that Mario could claim the same, the creatures he destroyed were either moving straight ahead, roaming around in patterned movement, or flying aimlessly, none of which indicate that he was being attacked. While the Hammer Brothers did attack Mario directly, these were specialized soldiers sent out after Mario had already begun his onslaught, so one can hardly fault their mission if it meant protecting others.
Plainly stated, Toadstool was willing to do whatever it took to regain control and Mario was willing to get his hands dirty as long as the price was right. Are these really people who should be celebrated for their contributions to the world of video games? Perhaps this speculation is off the wall, a result of poor sleeping habits and mental degradation, but not considering multiple perspectives is just simply dangerous. Assumptions by good people make bad things happen, so get the facts and maybe, just maybe, the true bad guy will be revealed on a more regular basis.
Giant Bomb (images)