I’ll Probably Never Be a Video Game Hero

I tend to grin no matter the situation

I’ve often been described as the kind of guy that’s constantly lost in his own fantasy world. While most contemplate work weeks and vacation plans, I contemplate ninjas and dinosaurs with ninja costumes. Boy would it be great to be in a video game and take on those dwelling inside of my imagination. Despite my ever wandering mind, the little bit of reality that persists in my brain is the realization that I will more than likely never be a video game hero. Unfortunately, you may find that my hard truth is just as likely in your life, too.

1. Healing takes forever

I’m a seasonal allergy sufferer (enough to pop that video game hero bubble by itself) and tend to get overcome with month long sessions of the sniffles. The medicine takes a few hours to actually start working and even then I’m at 50 percent for a couple days. I’d love to chill in bed for a couple minutes or so and recharge my life meter like they do in Gears of War, but it tends to take a couple days and even then my nose stays red and sore from all the Kleenex usage.

2. No side kick

Most video game heroes have trusted side kicks to watch their backs when the pressure is on (Master Chief/Cortona, Mario/Luigi, etc). While usually less powerful, these friendly helpers persist to take up the slack with menial tasks in between battle sessions and often times provide some kind of comedy relief. I’m married, so I figured my wife was also considered my sidekick. When I told her this, she laughed and reminded me to clean out the kitty litter. I guess it doesn’t help my game hero credibility that my nickname is “Mooshie Bear”- it looks like maybe I’m the side kick.

I'm not quite as useful as Cortana though, my brain is smallish

3. Shooting guns is tough

In the type of games I enjoy playing, guns play a huge role.  In real life, guns are freaking heavy and aren’t exactly easy to aim. While shooting guns with friends, I assumed that the strategy I tended to go for in games would apply while blasting away at a log, but wielding two weapons at the same time tends to get a negative reaction from your peers. Safe to say my gun privileges were revoked for that day. Did I mention that I was shooting pistols, a low level weapon in most any game you play?  I can only imagine how difficult machine guns and missile launchers would be to operate, let alone plasma rifles.

4. Real life bad guys are scary

Around 9:00 PM last evening my wife called me out to the deck. A beat up old car was slowly driving down the street and stopped right in front of our house, the car’s occupants staring up at us in what I assume was a menacing gesture (I couldn’t see, it was dark). I’d like to say my instinct kicked in and I investigated the situation, but instead I went downstairs, locked the door and shut the windows and the blinds. I tossed and turned the whole evening, nervous that those guys were going to break in and chop my head off. It’s easy to think that you’ll react calmly in a worst case scenario, but evidently I don’t have such a demeanor. Imagine if zombies and robots were a constant threat, I’d be a nervous wreck.

Bad guys that are able to use guns effectively intimidate me even more

I don’t believe any of this means that I’m a weak person or could never rise to the occasion in a crisis, but EA will probably not be knocking on my door for likeness licensing anytime soon. This may not be a bad thing, since being in a video game probably requires constant reputation upkeep. For now, I’ll continue to create myself in character editors and overexaggerate my skill set.


Giant Bomb

7 Comments I’ll Probably Never Be a Video Game Hero

  1. GiffTor

    Considering Cortana seems to have done all of the really important stuff (firing off the Halo, stopping the Halo system from firing off, etc.) she might laugh at you and call you mooshiebear for referring to her as a sidekick.

  2. Wizardtrain187

    Both the tasks you mentioned are what I would term “nerd work”, i.e. pushing nerdy buttons and making sure nerdy processes occur. Sure, they were large scale, but Master Chief did the shooting. Saying Cortana isn’t Master Chief’s sidekick is like saying Bill Gates isn’t Tom Selleck’s sidekick.

  3. GiffTor

    True. But Franklin Delano Roosevelt was in a wheelchair and beat the Nazis; Bill Gates makes more in one day than MJ’s annual income at his peak in. Geeks > Jocks. Game over. Nerds win.

  4. moses5885

    What is considered a jock anymore? I had a scholarship for sports in college but 95% of the team (also jocks) were avid video game players. I think jocks need to be labeled something else now a days. nerds = jocks in this new world.

  5. GiffTor

    Hrm. Good point – I was all conference in college swimming AND academic all-american. Maybe that’s the whole point, though – gamers aren’t the small sector of social outcasts that they’re often stereotyped as. (And if you want to save the galaxy, you’d better know how to build a flux capacitor AND flank a group of zerglings.)

  6. moses5885

    Kicking ass and being able to read the names before you take them is a must.

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